Welcome, FugNation

FINALLY. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve left the house, disappointed that I didn’t resemble a tissue paper pineapple.

I think we just discovered my signature pose…

What, what, what is this print? Is it python? Is it paisley? Is it based on the scabs on some poor leper? Is the floor made of lava? Any guesses?

I’m tired of these mutha fuckin’ snakes on this mutha fuckin’ dress.

Coming soon to a Walmart near you! Camo formal wear: perfect for your prom in the middle of no where. The good news: Your boyfriend wants to share his interests and spend time with you. The bad news: You’re going to spend the day in a tree, shitting in the woods.

How… patriotic. Perfect for all of your Fourth of July festivites! Because nothing says, “I swear I love America and am not, in fact, a terrorist. Promise. Really. Please believe me” like a desperately redwhiteandblue ensemble.

Everything is all sad clowns and animals in casts under this big top fashion tent.

Because there are just somedays where you want to dress like mud and dead leaves, but still be sophisticated about it. 

You know when people say, “Oh, ________ could wear a burlap sack and make it look good!”? Yeah, kids, burlap is child’s play. What they should say is, “Oh! __________ is so fabulous they could make an shapeless, busy, eye-gouglingly terrible muumuu look adequate!” Now THAT would be a compliment of the finest sort.

I believe it’s time to butcher more songs from your childhood. Today’s selection? The theme from Reading Rainbow! (refresher course for heathens can be found here)

*Ahem* Butterfly on my dress, I can be a quite the mess. Take a look, I’m on the hook, This dress is fugly. Iiiiii can do anythiiiiing. My friends are sad, this dress is bad. This dress is fuglyyyy, this dress is fuuuuugly…